Good morning Convener, and how are you this lovely morning?
“Oh just hingin’ the gither Nigel. I’m in an afa mineere. I’ll hae to hae a redd oot”
“Redd oot” Convener?
“Aye, it’s this budget consultation, a’ve got bits o paper an’ e-mails an’ a’thin a’ ower the place. I’m in a richt redd up. So - fin you’re in a redd up, you hiv tae hae a redd oot – see?”
Well, whatever you say Convener - but what was it that you wanted to see me about?
“Well I’ve jist heard that David Cameron has got somethin’ ca’d an ‘App’ on his phone to help him rin the country. So, I thought, I could hae ane o’ them to help me rin the Moray Cooncil. Only thing is - I dinna’ ken fit an ‘App’ is.”
Well Convener, an ‘App’ is a small computer programme that you can have on your smart phone to help you do things like book a hotel or find the nearest restaurant or..
“Could it find ma car keys?”
Well, I presume there is an ‘App’ for that too Convener, but I really don’t think that it’s the sort of ‘App’ that the Prime Minister would have.
“Oh I widna’ bet on it! Onywey I want an‘App’, I want a Sat Nav ‘App’”
Sat Nav ‘App’ Convener? But you already have Sat Nav in your car.
“I ken, but fit I really want is a Doric Sat Nav”
Doric Sat Nav? Whatever for?
“Weel the wifie in my Sat Nav’s got an afa’ snooty voice. She keeps sayin’ things like “continue on the A96 for 31 miles”. Fit I want is somethin’ that says, “Haud gan til you reach Inverurie”. An’ fin I dinna dae fit ‘am telt, an’ I miss ma turnin’ aff, she says “Recalculating, Recalculating, Recalculating.” It fair gets on my wick. I’d far rether she jist said “Far on earth do you think yer gan, ye gype”.
Yes Convener, I’m sure that’s all very interesting, but I doubt whether there’s much of a market for a Doric Sat Nav ‘App’. Perhaps you will just have to manage without one.
“Well I winna’ ken far I’m gaun”
I doubt if anyone will notice the difference Convener!
“Are you suggestin’ that I dinna ken fit I’m daein? Or fit direction the Cooncil’s gaun in?”
Not at all Convener. Not at all, but it’s something I have been meaning to speak to you about for some time. It’s the new Local Development Plan you see.
“Development Plan?”
Yes Convener. One of the big jobs for any Council is to publish a Development Plan which sets out how land should be allocated for the next 4 or 5 years. In that way we can make provision for land for housing, industry and recreation amongst other things.
“So fits the big deal aboot that?”
Well Convener it’s extremely important to give everyone a steer on where the Planning Authority wants to see new houses or industrial estates being built or, indeed, not built as may be the case.
“Planning authority? Is ‘at us?”
Yes Convener, the Council acts as the planning authority for the whole of Moray and right now we are starting the process of producing the next version of the Development Plan. So, like everyone else in Moray, you have an opportunity to make suggestions about how the land should be used. The Council will then decide which of these proposals will be included in the Development Plan.
“So let me get this richt. Onybody can mak’ a proposal or suggestion an’, if the Cooncil agrees, then it’ll be in the Development Plan an’ that’ll be fit the grun is used for?”
Well that’s a bit simplistic but I think you’ve got the gist of it Convener.
“Richt! I want to mak’ a proposal. I propose we hae a Casino”
A Casino, Convener?
“Aye, I propose that an island in the pond in the Cooper Park in Elgin be allocated for a Casino. Will that dae?”
Well I suppose, in theory, that’s a competent proposal although I can’t see it gaining any support. Why on earth would you want a Casino in the Cooper Park?
“Well a pal o’ mine is jist back fae his holidays in Las Vegas and he says that there’s a Casino in Las Vegas wi’ Gondooolas”
Gondooolas? Convener?
“Aye I’m nae afa’ sure fit they are but apparently they go in the waatter. So I wis thinkin they might be a bit like the swaans and jukes that we hiv in the Cooper Park. An’ maybe, if we got a pair o them, they wid breed syne we wid hae plenty o’ Gondooolas for oor casino”
Convener! You're off at a tangent again. What you should be doing is encouraging people to make contributions to the Development Plan so that they are not faced with any surprises over the next 5 years. By having this debate now, we can allow everyone, developers, community organisations and private individuals, to make plans for the future based on what they can reasonably expect from the Development Plan. Does that make it clear?
“Oh absolutely, Nigel. It’s nae only clear - but it’s afa close to makin’ sense!.
Thank you, Convener.
“So I suppose fit yer really sayin’ is that the Gondooolas is oot the question?”
Yes Convener!
B*@$$^?
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