Friday, 7 December 2012

Economy Drive

For an easy read version of Stewart Cree's posts see Nigel's Blog above or follow this link for a full translation.  Follow me on Twitter - @Stewart_Cree
“Morning Convener, what on earth are you doing under your desk?”
“Oh, fit like Nigel?  I’m jist hae’in a good rake aboot.  I ken I hid a lottery ticket lyin’ aboot somewey an’ I canna’ find it.  It micht o’ fell on the fleer under ma’ desk”
“Is it a winner Convener?”
“A’ve nae bloomin’ idea Nigel – bit I’ve got tae find it ‘cos there’s only eight ‘oors tae go!”
“Eight hours to go?  To go to what Convener”
“Eight ‘oors tae go until I canna’ mak’ a claim on it.  Did ye nae hear the news?  There’s a jackpot ticket worth £64 million oot there somewey and if it’s nae claimed by eleven o’clock the nicht - then it’s tatties o’er the side”
“Tatties? Convener”
“Aye, tatties – ye ken po-tat-oes, pommes de terre.  An’, if that ticket’s nae fun’ afore eleven o’clock, then the ‘pommes de terre’ will be richt ‘dans la mer’.
“Oh whatever Convener but what makes you think that you’ve won it?”
“Ah dinna ken Nigel but a’ve got a feelin’ in ma waaters that something good is comin’ oor wey.  Last week I won a raffle at the Sports Moray Awards and twice this week I found 20p in the coffee machine.  Things is definitely lookin’ up!!
“But Convener, the missing lottery ticket was sold in Hertfordshire six months ago – how on earth could you be the winner?”
“That’s as maybe, but I’m nae taakin’ ony chances.  Wi’ a hole in the budget like we’re goin’ tae hae, £64 million’s worth scrabblin aboot on the fleer for.”
“Convener – I fear you’re going to have to be more realistic and look at other ways of saving money.  I see you have a meeting tomorrow in Edinburgh – have you ever thought about Video Conferencing?”
“Video – fittie?”
“Video Conferencing, Convener.  It’s a way of attending a conference without actually being there.”
“Waaait a mintie.  Attendin’ wi’oot bein’ there?  Are you haein’ me on?  A’ve been at plenty meetings wi’ fowk that are ‘nae aa’ there’ but at least their bums wiz on the seats!  Foo can a’ be there an’ nae be there?”
“Well, you’re image will be there and the other members of the committee will see and hear you because you’ll be connected to the meeting through a video link.”
“Fit, like the telly?”
“Yes Convener, although you’ll actually appear in a box on a large screen along with other members who are Video Conferencing”
“Oh!  I see – like Celebrity Squares.  Dis Terry Wogan run it?”
“No Convener, this has nothing to do with game shows or Terry Wogan.  It’s simply a way of saving time and money”
“Well ‘am aa’ for that.  Sign ma up – Scotty.  Jist one thing though.”
“What’s that Convener”
“I wint tae be in the top row!”
“I’ll do my best Convener, now what about some other savings.  Christmas cards for instance”
“Oh dinna’ mention Christmas Nigel!  I’m daein’ ma best tae ignore it, bit it’s richt on top o’ us noo.  I even got ane o’ yon Christmas cards far they gie ye the hale story o’ their life ower the past twal’ month.”
“Oh yes Convener – a Round Robin
“Aye, fitiver, bit the ane I got disna’ bob along!  It’s frae a wifie bummin’ aboot Lucinda winnin’ the gymkhana and Torquil ‘findin’ himsel’ in Kathmandu.  Fit’s that got tae dae wi’ me?”
“Yes, well these annual updates do tend to guild the lily somewhat.  But you could do something similar in your Blog – you know, a short, to-the-point, resumé of your first 6 months in the Convener’s chair”
“Awa’ ye go!.  Ye’d be better gettin’ Roddy Burns tae dae that – he’s short and tae the point!  Look, there’s nae been much o’ a festive feel aboot the last 6 months an’ a’ dinna wint tae pit the dampers on fit’s left.  Maybe I’ll leave that tae the New Year” 
“So no official Christmas cards this year then?”
“Na, na, Nigel – this is anither belt-tichtenin’ opportunity.  Hiv ye seen the price o’ stamps?  50 pence for second class!  It’s a liberty. 50 pence is ten shillin’s.  Fin I wiz at College I could ha’e a first-class denner and a guid nicht oot for ten shillins - and noo aa’ I can dae is send a beggin’ letter!.  My granny could……”
“Please Convener – If you’re going to bring up your granny again I feel it’s time to leave.  But before I go - remember those 20p’s you found in the Coffee machine?”
“Aye, oh dinna tell ma they wiz yours!”
“No Convener – I believe they were your change!!”

"Celebrity" Squares

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