Friday, 18 January 2013

Resolutions

For an easy read version of Stewart Cree's posts see Nigel's Blog above or follow this link for a full translation
“Good morning Convener - and a Happy New Year.”
“Fit like Nigel and the same tae yersel’.  Are ye a’ riggit oot for 2013 an’ rarin’ tae go –  wi’ yer shooder tae the wheel and yer nose tae the grindstane?”

“Well, actually, I’m not sure if you can put your shoulder to the wheel when your nose is on a grindstone!  However I am much refreshed after our short break.  What about yourself?”

“Well noo that aa’ the celebrations is oot o’ the wey, it’s back tae caul’ kale and porridge.  Though I hiv tae admit – so far the wither’s nae been that caul!.”

“Yes the weather has been unseasonable lately.  I heard the birds singing the other morning – quite extraordinary for this time of year”.

“Aye and aa’ the bugs that are gaun’ aboot are thrivin’ in this wither.  I’ve been hostin’ wi’ the caal for weeks and then, jist fin that seemed tae be gettin’ better, I pit my back oot, an’ I couldna’ even get oot o’ ma bed”

“That’s dreadful Convener, but you seem to be more mobile now?”

“Aye, but that’s ‘cos I wis dowsed !”

“Doused?  What on earth were you doused in, aftershave?”

“No … no…..nae douseddowsed.  Ye ken, like fit they dae fin they’re lookin’ for waatter.”

“They were looking for water in your back?”

No.  They were lookin’ for the sair bits.  Ane o’ my Cooncillor pals is a dab hand at the dowsing, an’ she speirt if she could hae a shottie findin’ oot fit wis wrang.  I telt her she could dae fitever she winted  - jist as lang as I didna’ hae tae tak’ ma troosers aff!”

“And so she walked over your back with a pair of hazel twigs?”

“No!  Nigel – you’re nae taakin’ this seriously!  She used a crystal on a bittie string.  And afore you say onythin’ else, I didna’ gie  tuppence for her chances o’ findin’ oot fit wis wrang”

“So you are rather sceptical about alternative medicine?”

“Abso-bloomin-lootly Nigel.  Bit, efter she fun’ the richt spot, she wraxed ma back the ither wey for a whiley, an’ ye ken this, it’s a lot better noo”

“That’s fine Convener, but might it just be psychosomatic?”

“Na, na ….it’s a sair back a’ richt an’ ‘am afa’ grateful tae her ‘cos ‘am a lot better noo.  Mind you, there wisna’ much wrang wi’ ma ain treatment – a warm toddy efter every meal - strictly for medicinal purposes ye ken.”

“And did that prove effective?

“Oh aye – bit it wis a bit o’ a job getting through nine meals a day!!”

“Really Convener that’s no way to deal with minor ailments.  Did you know that alcohol abuse is becoming as prevalent amongst those of….. er….. late middle age..  as it is amongst the younger partygoers who are traditionally thought to be the culprits.”

“Hey, fit’s this late middle age?  I’ll hiv you ken that I’m ane o’ the baby boomers - in the prime o’ my life an’ as fit as a fiddle”

“Yes apart from your cold and chest infection.”

“Oh – aye – but….”

“And your dicky back.”

“Aye but ….”

“And your sciatica and flat feet.”

“Hey min - wait a mintie!  You’re maakin’ me soon’  like a condemned building.  I micht hae ane or twa minor ailments, an’ ‘am maybe nae as good as I aince wis - but I’m as good aince as I eywis wis - so pit that in yer pipe and smoke it!”

“Ah well - that might be difficult because I ‘ve given up smoking - it’s one of my New Year resolutions.”

“Oh weel deen Nigel!  I ken it’s nae easy ‘cos I wis a smoker masel’”. 

“You smoked Convener?

“Oh aye, I stopped the day I wis elected.  Bit ower the years I think  a smoked athin’ there wis - frae Woodbines to Bogie Roll.  Cost ma a fortune and did ma nae good ata’.  So I wish ye every success wi’ yer New Year’s resolution.”

And have you made any resolutions yourself Convener?

“Oh aye -  ‘am gaun tae cut doon on fattenin’ foods.  In particular, marzipan, macaroni and brie”

“But why those in particular?”

“’Cos I canna’ stan’ ‘em!  So, if ‘am goin’ tae hae ony chunce o’ stickin’ tae ma resolution I reckon I should start aff wi’ that lot an’gie masel’ half a chunce”

“Half a chance?  But surely there’s no point if you don’t like these things already.”

“Aye - bit there’s nithin to say that I couldn’a start to like them.  I didna’ start likin’ Tiramisu  ‘till I wis forty year aul’.”

“Convener - Tiramisu wasn’t invented until you were forty years old!”

“(*^&$!!!”

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